Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
