So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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