Got a toothbrush?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
