Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
