Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
