Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
