I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
