i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
