I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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