about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
