Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
