You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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