Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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