At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
