Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
