I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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