My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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