I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
