What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just tell him i said nine months
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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