are you still at the devil's house?
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
