well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
