be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
