You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
