I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
