You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
