My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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