Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
