I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
