Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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