I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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