You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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