I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
