why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
