Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
should my penis look like a turkey
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
