We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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