I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize