The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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