so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
