ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
