I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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