All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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