she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
