i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
