Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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