ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
