I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
