she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
