come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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