if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
