I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
