I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
