I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
