I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
