TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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