the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
