haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
