Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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