if you like me you must not know who I am
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize