I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
