I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
