i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize