shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
