insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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